MAM: July 2, 2018: A Waterfall is Within

I don’t know exactly when I wrote this or the circumstances, but it seems pretty descriptive of so many points in my life. Enjoy!

A waterfall is within,
But drying up before my eyes, I weep dry tears, I fear I am falling out of faith, I fear I am falling out of grace, I fear grace was never here.

Beating my head against a brick wall of my own sin, breaking through every barrier I have put in my way, endlessly tripping down the same path, when will it end?

I fear I may never be able to win this war, I lose battle after battle, I fight with no ally, I fight alone, I fight within, I fight myself to sleep and grieve with every broken promise made to myself and the ones I love.

Is there an end, a way to win, is there a battle I may be victorious in? Never alone will I win, never alone can I conquer myself, I am too frail, too deep in my own flood of desires and passions. I am consumed.

I am faltered, I am weak, I am weary, I have fallen. I can’t get up from this pit, I am endlessly lost in this grave, underground but still walking, dead but still breathing, I need help, I need life.

I need forgiveness, I need strength, I need a Hand to lift me up, I need to turn around, to make my way back to joy. I cannot win my battles alone, I cannot fight my struggles inside, I must bring the war into the open.

Lead me on, Spirit. Be my shield and my sword, be my horse that carries me through the sea of deadly temptations, wielding their bloody axes, hacking into those without You, killing those who mock You, not knowing of Your might.

Lift me up, turn me away, send me running far out into the open, far away from the death that is within me.

Forgive me, cleanse me, heal me, cause my heart to be apologetic, cause my life to reflect You, cause my mind to dwell on You, cause my body to desire You.

I have thirsted, I have drowned, I have hungered and been gluttonous with that which is deadly, I have been arrogant and I have been smashed to bits.

But my life is faith, my walk is delicate, my desires are few, for I am fulfilled by my salvation, I am lifted up and guided through hard times by the Spirit who is greater than I.

I am nothing. God is Everything.

Music and Art Monday, June 25th, 2018: A New Song

I had an urge the other night to play guitar. This is not an urge I have very often, since I got so out of practice with the instrument that I get annoyed by it. But since I had the urge I rolled with it.

I even wrote a song.

Yep, it’s literally been years since I wrote a song. At least that’s how I remember it. So I decided I wasn’t going to get up from the table until I had something written. It’s simple and not very eloquent but I kinda like how it turned out.

I’m a little surprised at how hard it was to get out. I guess years of slacking off will build that kind of rust on a mind.

The wife’s out of town, so I was a bit lonely. But the words really aren’t about her, well, not entirely anyway.

Here are the lyrics:

I met a girl with a rebel heart,
She looked to me for a brand new start.
She told me she’d never part,
But now she’s left with her rebel heart.

Now I’m less a man inside,
Feeling just like I died,
When she left me and I cried,
Oh I cried.

It took us years to get a start,
Built a life despite her rebel heart,
She told me she’d never part,
But now she’s left with her rebel heart.

Now I’m less a man inside,
Feeling just like I died,
When she left me and I cried,
Oh I cried.

I may have deviated a little here and there and the chord progression isn’t perfect. But without further ado here is a link to Rebel Heart:

https://d.tube/v/driptorchpress/h7sd1inc

Inky Blackness

I’m sorry, is my negativity showing?

Sometimes I lie awake in inky blackness, wondering why I can’t seem to get it right.

Which buttons do I push to get this whole thing to work?

How much do I have to grope around in the night?

Sometimes I wish I was an optimist.

And not just a long term optimist, but one who knows today is OK.

I want to be the optimist who knows he won’t forever be swallowed by a suffocating and inky blackness.

That’s not too much to ask, is it? That’s not a tall order once you are done tackling your anxiety.

Once you kill the thought that everything is not OK. Once you put to death the belief that your needs will not be met.

When those wicked thoughts are in their graves, then comes the optimism, right?

I am optimistically hoping so.

Unproductive Days

Unproductive days.

While stuck in bed.

Missing you.

The hours tick by in a blink,

The sun drops from the sky, only to return again, quick as it fell.

I realize I am only happy when I produce,

Unproductive days are not totally unproductive.

They produce a quantity of anxiety and fear.

Fear that my life is wasted, the time is short.

When you’re away and I fade into missing you, I fear you will return and find me unproductive, and you will judge.

But you never judge.

You never look down at me.

You merely tell me not to worry about a few unproductive days.

Because there is always tomorrow.

Bad Week

So you had a bad week,

What could you do?

Providence isn’t always easy,

What we all go through.

Maybe you were tired,

Maybe you ate too much junk.

Maybe you indulged

In sin or in too much.

Maybe you fed your guilt,

Or stroked your shame.

Maybe you didn’t give your sins to God,

And instead soaked in blame.

So you had a bad week,

Everyone does,

Sometimes.

Will next week be better?

Who’s to say?

Perhaps it will get better,

Maybe it will stay the same.

You can’t always control the circumstances,

Just how you respond.

And I promise you this:

If you respond the same,

The bad will remain.

So change.

The Boys Came in Today

The boys came in today,

boats all came ashore,

Clamoring at the bar were they,

To tell me about the war.

 

Many were the tales they told,

Fighting for my liberty,

Fighting for our government,

Fighting for our country.

 

I listened to their stories,

About the deeds they did,

I looked them in the eyes,

and surprised them when I said,

 

“You’re fighting for your government,

Fighting for the State,

Fighting for the country,

Gee, isn’t that real great?

But this war’s not for me boys, this war’s not for me.

This war’s not for me boys, this war’s not for me.”

 

“Freedom is the default,

So is liberty,

Your government has swept in

to take it all from me.”

 

“So you’re fighting for the government,

You’re fighting for the State,

Fighting for your country,

Against those you’re told to hate.

But this war’s not for me boys, this war’s not for me,

This war’s not for me boys, this war’s not for me.”

 

2/3/2016